Dear ITV,

I expect you’ll be receiving a lot of complaints today, but I wanted to reassure you that last night wasn’t some epic game-changing moment that has besmirched the good name of ITV forever, turning the heads of thousands of loyal viewers with a careless flick of the ads button.

Nah – your football coverage has always been breathtakingly incompetent. You employ commentators who are alternately biased, patronising and ill-informed, and pundits who are ten times worse; your on-pitch production team is slipshod at best, with inexplicable camera angles that seem to always miss the crucial bits of the action; and your match presentations in general have the air of being put together by people who have never actually watched a football match, with insignificant moments being replayed and discussed ad infinitum while other things that most fans would agree are generally considered as crucial (i.e. the extra time winning goal of a tense derby cup match) are missed entirely.

Anyone who wants to watch a live football game without shelling out for Sky has had to put up with this excruciating buffoonery for some time now – last night was the final straw for me, and I sincerely hope the case is the same for all the others who stupidly tuned in last night on the off chance that they might be able to watch some football without being flicked the proverbial Vs.

Please could you never bid for, broadcast or comment on any sporting event ever again, as you have perpetually proved over the last 10-15 grim years of abysmally poor coverage that you are completely incapable of doing so without eventually cracking under the strain of just broadcasting the bloody match/highlights in a comprehensible format (like Sky manage to regularly do, or the BBC, or Setanta, or even pissing Five) without committing another world-beating apocalyptic balls-up. I hope this isn’t glossed over or forgotten about by the press and the public, as I find your contemptuous attitude towards sports fans and television viewers in general far more offensive than Russell Brand and any number of libidinous granddaughters.

In fact if it wasn’t for Harry Hill, ITV1 may as well be one long 24-hour advert for bogroll and car insurance, which, incidentally, I’d probably find more involving and emotionally resonant than Demons.

In summation, I don’t like you ITV. I don’t like you one little bit. Now you live with that.

Regards,

Paul